Rangers FC terminate Joey Barton's contract with immediate effect

Many good Bears are excited at the very recent signing of Joey Barton. As the quintessential and most dignified of British clubs, players of the international stature of Barton are to be welcomed at Ibrokes but he does not fit the bill at the Big House.

While Barton's form for both on and off field brutality and violence will be welcomed by many true blue Bears as a clear indication of someone who can do a job at Ibrokes there are other characteristics which must surely mean he is not on the level (if you see what I mean).

1. His middle name is Anthony. If that doesn't set alarm bells ringing then I don't know what would.

2. He has stated on social media that he supports the Bheggars. We shouldn't make the same mistake like we did when we signed Glen Daly. 

3. He has suggested he sympathises with the the Bheggars mob in God's own Norn Iron. That alone should have meant no offer of a contract. I mean it's Ulster were talking about here: home of the most loyal of Her Majesty's subjects for countless millenia, the Scotchish Irishishes. (A version of this petition will be made in Ullapoolalooladayish the language of the Scotchish Irishishes soon).

4. He is not supportive of Our Most Glorious and Heavenly Majesty Queen Elizabeth the Second of the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Norn Iron. Not Elizabeth the First as those psychotic and rabid republican Nationalists would have it. Rangers 2012 FC would not be where it is today without Her Majesty who as we all know does not require taxes from her very own football club. We are after all The Queen's 11 (copyright Murdo Fraser MSP of that pretendy Parliament).

5. He professes to be an atheist. There can be no place at Ibrokes for someone refusing to believe in the one true Protestant God. That might be acceptable to some in Nippy Sturgeon's 'parish' but not on our marble staircase. (All marble sourced in good Lutheran Scandic countries).

6. His surname might give rise to the nickname Dick. This is fine if you're Dutch, but no British True Blue Bear should ever be referred to as 'wee Dick'.

7. Apparently Mr Barton has paid all his taxes.

8. I have never seen him wear anything Orange.

9. Worst of all, and I find this so distressing that I can barely type the words through my good, honest, British Loyalist tears, he does not own a pair of good Presbyterian brown brogues.

Clearly The Rangers 2012 FC has made a mistake and while Mr Barton might be useful on the pitch after 90 minutes (plus injury time hopefully) at every stadium next season, being 'tidy' and able 'cut a dash' in a city centre at night is not sufficient. Release him from his contract now.

Samuel William McWilliamson. Larkhall Orange is the new Blue RSC    Contact the author of the petition